It's easy to
forget the power our words have, and we need to remember that what we say to
our kid’s matters. And I'm not just talking about the negative things we say.
The way we praise our kids, where we do it, why we do it, and how we do it is
important to think about so before
you break
out in applause, there are some important dos and don'ts to keep in mind that
will help your child find value in your words of encouragement:
- Praise them for what they do - Instead of giving praise like "Good boy!" or "Good girl!" explain to kids why they're getting praise. Say things like, "You helped me out so much when you helped pass out the treats."
- Don't overdo it - Kids are smart. They know when you are faking praise and when you really mean it.
- Praising the effort and not the outcome - recognizing your child when she has worked hard to clean the yard, cook dinner, or complete a history assignment, says Donahue author of Parenting Without Fear: Letting Go of Worry and Focusing on What Really Matters
- Your son may not be the best basketball player on his team, Donahue says. But if he's out there every day, shooting baskets, running drills, and playing hard, you should praise his effort regardless of whether his team wins or loses because it's above and beyond the norm.
- If a child strikes out a few times during a ball game and then finally gets on base with a good ground ball up the middle, he deserves praise. You should praise his resilience and his willingness to push through when the going got tough.
- Give your praise when your child has done something special that's out of the ordinary.
- When your daughter practices for weeks and finally learns to ride a two-wheel bicycle, give her praise for sticking with it.
- When your child does make that special effort that deserves praise, you can certainly dish it out as you see fit.
- But one no-no that experts agree should be avoided at all costs is praising with cold, hard cash.
- “While offering your kids cash incentives isn't a smart idea, you should embrace opportunities to celebrate their hard work and achievements. "Going out for ice cream or a special meal after a good report card or musical performance or some other achievement is a way of celebrating children's hard work and persistence," Donahue says.
- Encourage new activities. "Praise kids for trying new things, like learning to ride a bike or tie their shoelaces, and for not being afraid to make mistakes," Donahue says.
- Don't praise the obvious. "Try not to overdo praise about a child's attributes: 'You're so smart, handsome, pretty, bright, talented, gifted,'" Donahue says. "Parents and grandparents are, of course, going to indulge in some of this, and that is OK. But if your kids hear a constant litany of praise, it will begin to sound empty to them and have little meaning."
- Say it when you mean it. Saying, "Good job," when you mean it or, "Boy, you really worked hard on that paper," tells children that, as parents, you recognize the value of their hard work and efforts, Donahue says. It also tells them that you know the difference between when they work hard at something and when it comes easy.
