Bedtime Routines and Fears

Bedtime Routines and Fears

How can you make bedtime a more peaceful and less fearful event?

Most three- and four-year-olds will sleep about twelve hours each night. A daytime nap may continue to be part of your child's routine, but don't be surprised when it is phased out during the next several months.

Remember that bedtime should be early because your child needs the sleep and you need time with other children, your spouse, or yourself. During the middle of summer, this can be a challenge. The sun may still be shining, and all sorts of activity may still be going on outside at what is normally bedtime. 

You will need to decide how much to bend your routines to match the seasons, or perhaps invest in heavy window shades if you need to darken your child's room at this time of year. You may also need to exercise sensible flexibility to accommodate family work schedules. 

Routines

The activities that surround getting tucked in should become a familiar and quieting routine. At this age, bedtime can be a delightful, enlightening experience. You can introduce your child to some wonderful stories, including books with several chapters that can create eager anticipation for the next night's installment. Your child's desire to keep the lights on and you in the room as long as possible will usually cause her to be remarkably transparent and receptive.

Expect to hear some of her private thoughts ("I think I know what Buster is saying when he barks . . .") or to tackle some riddles of the universe ("Where is heaven?"). Without being manipulated too much, allow enough slack in your day so you can relax during these wide-eyed sessions.

You will probably have many more opportunities at bedtime to talk about God and the values you care about than during family devotions or even at church, Sunday school, or other formal religious teaching sessions. 

Night time Fears

You will also need to deal with some childhood fears when it's time to tuck in. Monsters in the closet, under the bed, or outside the window may need to be banished.

Be sure to ask what your child has in mind — is the creature something from a book or video, or perhaps a tall tale spun by an insensitive adolescent next door? Are we talking about space aliens, Brothers Grimm concoctions, or something from the nightly news that is in fact a reality somewhere in the world or the community? Are there tensions at home creating a need for reassurance?

Very often the beast in question doesn't exist except in someone's imagination. In this case it can be tempting to give a light-hearted, direct inspection ("I don't see any monsters in your closet — just a lot of junk!"), but you may leave the impression that there are monsters or aliens running around somewhere — they just don't happen to be here at the moment. For these fears, more decisive reality checks are important ("Bigfoot isn't under your bed or anywhere else").

When the issue is burglars or other villains who actually do exist out there, you will need to be more specific about the safeguards in your home: You are present (or if you are going out, someone you trust will be there), the doors are locked, and perhaps you have a dog or an alarm system that adds to your home's security. 

 In addition, remind your child that God is keeping watch over her twenty-four hours a day. What your child really wants is reassurance and confidence that things are under control.

If a fearful bedtime resistance persists or escalates, take time to find out if something else is bothering her. Did your child see a disturbing image on TV or a video? Did she hear an argument the other night? Did something else frighten her?

Once you have spent time exploring the problem, it is okay to make some minor adjustments to reduce the anxiety level, leaving a light on in the hallway or the door open a little wider, for example.

But don't get pulled into more elaborate or manipulative routines, such as her insisting on falling asleep in your bed or on the living-room floor when she claims that she's afraid of something. She needs to know that she will be just as safe and sound in her own bed as anywhere else. 

Focus on the Family / by Lynne Thompson

Father Forgets - W.Livingston Larned

Father Forgets
W.Livingston Larned

I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumbled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your dump forehead.
I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.
Guiltily, I came to your bedside. There are things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel, I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called you angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor, at breakfast I found fault, too.
You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Good-bye Daddy!" and I frowned, and I said in reply, "Hold your shoulders back!".

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road, I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stocking Were Expensive -and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Image that, son, from a father!
Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, inpatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. "What is it you want" I snapped.
You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and through you arms around my neck and kissed, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone pattering up the stairs.
Well, Son, it was shortly afterwords that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding - this way my reward for being a boy.

It wasn't that I didn't love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.
And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn it self over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good-night.

Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your beside in the darkness, and I have knelt there ashamed!

It is feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bight my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is nothing but a boy - a little boy!" am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.

Temper Tantrums in Children

Temper Tantrums in Children

Has your child ever had a complete meltdown in a public place that involved crying, kicking, 

blood-curdling screams and writhing on the floor? If so, take heart – you are not alone. 

Many parents would rather remove themselves mentally and physically from the moment than

endure the humiliation and embarrassment that comes with a toddler’s public meltdown. 

However, many parents are learning how to better handle and (eventually) prevent these 

unfortunate occurrences by not viewing their child’s outbursts as a disaster but, rather, taking 

time to build parent-child communication. Parents can achieve this by taking a few moments

during a temper tantrum to empathize with their child’s emotions while at the same time learn some important coping skills along the way.

What is a Temper Tantrum?
A temper tantrum is an unplanned expression of anger or frustration, often
with physical and verbal outbursts. During a temper tantrum, a child will
typically cry, yell, stomp her feet, and flail her arms and legs. A tantrum
usually lasts from 30 seconds to several minutes.

Temper tantrums are common in both boys and girls, and usually occur from
ages 1-3 years. They can occur daily in some children, and infrequently in
others. Whichever the case may be, temper tantrums are a normal part of
development for children. Temper tantrums occur in about 80 percent of children 

between the ages of 1 and 4. About 20% of 2-year-olds and 10% of 4-year-olds 

have daily temper tantrums. (1)

Why Do Children Have Temper Tantrums?
A temper tantrum is a child’s way of expressing his negative emotions before
he is able to voice them through verbal means. A child’s understanding of
language far outstrips his ability to communicate verbally, and
subsequently, his frustrations and anger are often manifested through temper
tantrums.

In other words, a temper tantrum is a child’s way of saying “I’m angry and
frustrated!” And though we may feel like this too, children don’t have the
same inhibitions or learned controlled behaviour as we do.

Preventing Temper Tantrums
Temper tantrums may occur without warning, however, parents can often tell when a child is becoming upset. Try to recognize situations where tantrums are more likely to occur, 

and plan accordingly. For example, adhere to routine meals and nap times (i.e. avoid 

having a tired and hungry child by prolonging his/her normal schedule). Avoid long outings 

without appropriate “play time” (i.e on long road trips, plan on longer rest stops for your child).

Know your child’s limits. (i.e. if your child is tired, don’t try to squeeze in that extra errand). 

Help your child avoid frustrating situations (i.e. don’t take your child down the candy aisle unless you plan on purchasing candy for him/her). Be consistent about your rules and expectations

Helping Your Child Work Through a Temper Tantrum
The most important thing to remember during a temper tantrum is to keep your
cool. If you become frustrated and angry, emotions will continue to
escalate for both parties involved. Instead, take deep breaths, keep your perspective, 

and stay calm. 

Tell your child in a calm voice that you understand his/her frustration but you 

cannot listen to this type of behaviour and walk away from the situation. 

Continue your activities without paying attention to your child, but
remaining within sight. Try not to cave into his demands. 

When parents give in, children learn to use inappropriate behaviour to get their way.

Children who are in danger of hurting themselves or others during a tantrum
should be taken to a quiet safe place to calm down. This also applies to
tantrums in public places. In older children, time-outs can be useful in
these situations.  As children become more mature in understanding their 

emotions and better equipped to express themselves, temper tantrums become 

fewer and farther between. Remember that this is a stage that will eventually pass, 

and with the above tips, should become more manageable if not more bearable.

However, talk to your health professional if your child continues to have
frequent temper tantrums after 4 years of age, if her tantrums escalate into
violent behaviour that result in injuries to herself or others, or if you
have difficulty handling your child’s behaviour.

By Sandy Oak Lee